i need advice asap!

okay so I kinda want to go to the movies tomorrow with K. I wanna ask her to come with me for school, I have to watch Alice n Wonderland the original and remake. But I don't want it to seem like a date. I just wanna go as friends and it not be awkward? Do I ask her? Or just go by myself. Or not go at all?

Oh and the other thing. If I do go out with her I need to do some major shopping or wash clothes like now! cause I'll have nothing to wear.

time to chill ...

wow!! I'm surprised at how great today has been going! Is it seriously all because I had a great night with C, or that K keeps texting me and seems rele interested? Could getting so much attention really make my day like this. I guess so. And I love it. Or do I feel a little free just because I'm technically on Easter break, and chillin out for a few days? ... i donno. I even saw her today in the computer lab, she sat right behind me, and it didn't even bother me. I just kept twirling C's ring I had on my finger that I never returned to her this morning.

So today I did something different, I fasted out of happiness. And it is so much easier that way. like i havent thought about food once. its so hard to explain, because its so unusually for me. My mind is occupied and I can go throughout the day free from constant thoughts of food.

I did however think of wine! Once i saw it. So I am having a glass before my nap. Or to help me get to sleep. And I'm so light now, the wine is kicking in faster, yay i love this feeling too.

also last nite i had lifted my shirt to show C my closed belly button piercing which I am gonna get re pierced soon. The first thing she did was grab my hip bones??? What is that about??? were they showing? How did that catch your attention, I don't even feel skinny enough that it would be noticeable. Right now tho I am feeling good about how the upper part of my body looks, i feel more bones and less fat. but WHYYY are my thighs still huge? Note to body: remove the fat from my thighs already!!! Please! Smaller thighs... that is my goal over break. Lots of leg workouts. After I wake up from my nap, its workout time.

<3 you girls. Hope your having a fanastic day. Skinny is contagious, i hope I inspired you some. xoxo

Good Morning skinnies !!!

I'm in the best mood today. Had a great nite last nite, caught up with an old friend. it's funny cause she's so in love with me so she gives me alot of attention, it's great just wat I need. So I mess with her head, she loves it n I love being in control. Any who, we smoked last nite which was also great it's been a long time since I have. I was pround of myself n didn't eat, u kno how u get the munchies afterwards. and since I'm in such a great mood I'm going to have a happy fast day I just decided that. Oh this other chic us hitting me up now, boy wen it rains it pours eh? Yay!

I just typed all this up on my iPhone n class I hope it all makes sense I'm gonna need to read over this wen I get to a real cpu. Hope u all have a great wonderful skinny day. I'll catch up on ur blogs after classes. officially on Easter break. muahz!!! love u lil thangs hehe

Yay for Easter break

I'm feeling a bit empty, not physically of course. I had a salad for dinner. But I feel, void of emotions momentarily.

I have alot of work to do, due tomorrow. blown. I will start eventually. BUT Easter break will start wednesday after classes. YAY! although that only gives me Thursday, Friday, and Monday of no classes but I guess I will take that. (it is technically only 3 days we have off. such a rip off.) I will be lighter before returning back to school. Buy some spring clothes and flaunt of my new skinny self. hopefully. I really want to find out what size I am in jeans now... but maybe I dont.

My mom asked me what I weigh. I keep telling her I don't weigh myself, I kind of snapped at her. I hate when people ask me what I weight. Especially when I kno they are only asking me to criticize. FU fat ass! She thinks she sooo smart. She goes out and buys NOTHING healthy. NOTHING I will eat. The chips on the counter, she will stuff her face with them, and she will end up eating everything she bought on her own. HAHAHA! Next time mom buy celery, lettuce, fruits like I asked.

And so it is...

today ... was interesting.

All was going well, until I got sick, my damn cramps kicked in. fml. i thought i wasnt going to go through this, this month. I guess i wasnt worthy enough to not get it. So I was in a load of pain, and didnt want to take mortin because then I would need to eat. I took 2 on a empty stomach, and got really dizzy. So i had soup and crackers my mom made. fml! tomorrow will be better.

everyone at work is kinda bugging me. they keep asking if I am losing weight. i tell them uh no! what are you talking about?! then they say how I never eat. So I lied. They ended up feeling dumb. I left work because I was feeling sick, and needed to get away.

Are my hip bones showing? so weird I never even knew that was possible for me, because they are not pointy, they dont stick out. if only if i could loose these thighs of mine, my transformation will be complete.

"And so it is..."-from Pretty Wild.

do u think of me?

[Ive been drinking,n its a drunk rampage, dont read lol]

I'm so alone. I miss her (?). I miss myself. I miss being happy. I'm a failure. Ive been eating. I kno, I'm a disgrace. I honestly hate myself. I just want a new life, I want to start over. I'm so alone. But I force myself to be alone. Why? Some friends asked me to go out with them tonight. I didn't reply to the text. I didn't answer the phone. I know why. I feel Fat. At the same time, I would need to go out to buy an outfit because none of my clothes fit anymore. But I don't have money. And if I did I can't go shopping because nothing would look right on me. So I'm at home. Drunk. By myself. Alone.

I'm angry. Its not fair. I hate when skinny girls say they are fat. I hate when skinny girls can eat what they want and not get fat. I hate when fat people eat and don't care. Honestly either would be better than where I am right now. I starve myself to get skinny ( where I never get)as soon as I do eat ( i over eat) gain a shit load of weight (or at least it feels) in both scenarios I don't feel happy. I have you girls but I still feel alone. I want to be, need to be comforted, I want to lay in bed and someone to hold me. Tell me I will be alright. Is that wrong?

In a perfect world. I am surrounded by all my friends, my girlfriend/boyfriend (obviously I think I am leaning toward a girlfriend more so, I prefer :) ) living life. skinny. How do I get that? Trying to get skinny, sucks! I'm always in a shitty mood, irritated, I hate everything and so I push everyone away. Even if I do every get skinny I'll be skinny and alone because I'm always feeling bitchy.

I dont understand weight. How is it that some girls are my height my goal weight and its easy. Its not a struggle to maintain? How is it that their metabolism or whatever doesn't try and force their body back into eating habits, binging n such? But when its all said and done, its still what I want. Its ruining who I am but its what I want. So tomorrow is a new day. And I will start again of course. fml. I really just want someone to hold me. I want to text her. That would make me sooooo happy. lol Can i text her that i hate her lol... no probably not. its all a bad idea. my life is a fucking joke. damn it all to hell.

Bad Prunes lol

ok so .... last night I kinda went a little over board eating all those damn prunes.... maybe wasn't a good idea. lol I can't wait to weigh myself after my mom leaves, but I am not going to take this weigh in very seriously because, now I'm sure its just water weight.

Oh and it seems like I won't be having a visit from Mother Nature/ Aunt Flow this month?. Thank God! See this fasting thing has a alot of benefits.

School -> Clean my room -> Go for a walk/ gym -> work. Hopefully I get a nap in there somewhere. Food? Breakfast: orange Lunch : Orange? maybe maybe not. Dinner:? water.

itty bitty

I woke up this morning after having a rough night. I had I really weird dream about her, but its like the dream spoke to me so I had to wake up and write it all down and interpret it. Its pretty deep. I'm somewhat at peace with that whole situation now, like I might finally have closure. Ill share with you guys later, I'm in the middle of studying those damn finches again. But I DID want to share I weighed myself today. Wii fit tells me I'm (drum roll please .......) 114.2 lbs!! HELL YEAH!! Sigh of relief. Maybe I'm not soo much of a failure.

I'm becoming an advocate of these dried prunes I found last night. They are natural, and they (TMI starts now) really helped me go to the "loo" ( I read that online lol) But it wasn't just a watery base substance ( like would happen if it just was removing just water) it had consistency, it was food. Lately its been difficult for me to go potty and this was great. All you gotta do is stomach the slimy weird taste of those things. (Ok TMI over)

I'm feeling good today. I wanna stay up. Finish studying for this crap. Take the test. And do some major working out when I get home. My treat. And Fast, water, maybe a little juice before working out.

We will make it. You will make it. i will make it eventually i heart you itty bitty's . Have a good day.

the fater side of 115

OMG something is wrong with me. I can't focus on stupid studying!! Who cares about Darwin and his dumb finches!!!! I care about how fat I am.

So I hunted through the cabinets and found some dried prunes, and ate half the bag. I think they are working nicely. Plus they are natural. I will do anything right now. FAST TOMORROW NO MATTER WHAT. i DONT CARE IF A PASS OUT WHILE I'M DRIVING.... no, I do. but u get the point How come some people that are 115 look so much smaller then me, but technically we are the same weight. I thought that by the time I am 115 I would be skinny-looking. I am not. I look nearly the same as I did when I was 130. fuck fuck fuck. I want to see a drastic difference. I feel like I am getting impatient. A pound a week is not fast enough, and I think now though its less than that. Kill me now. More bones need to be showing.



[20 minutes later] my moms boyfriend just gave me a lecture on positive thinking.... (as it relates to school) That was a crock of shit lmao. School sucks and it going to keep sucking until I walk across that stage. How am I suppose to be happy about being in school, maybe once upon a time. Not any more 16 damn years Ive been in school. I'm bored, tired annoyed... etc. While he was blabbering I thought about how I really need to by green tea to suppress appetite. and how hard I am going to need to work out tomorrow without building muscle.

[30 minutes later] okay I'm officially freaking out. I just need to drink some wine now. Go to sleep wake up early tomorrow and try again. I will be more focused tomorrow. I have to do well on this test. fml.

breathe...

Calorie Maniac

Good Afternoon ladies (for everyone on eastern time).

I can't stay on here long, I must MUST be productive today. I am already over the time I allowed myself because I want to catch up on reading. After my exam tomorrow its chill mode for me again. Then Easter break April 1st yay for April. I have so much to say today.

First,
My Popular Culture class is so dumb! I immediately hated them all. Somehow we got on the topic on distorted body images or something and some dumb girl commented on eating disorders. So of course the whole class had a discussion about it all. I just wanted to scream like, you guys are idiots you don't know what your talking about. SO shut up! Plus you all are morbidly obese so some of you could benefit from a few less ingested meals. If the perfect skinny girl in the cutest clothes walked into the room (definitely not me) you would all want her body in a second. FAT COWS!!!!!!!!!!! UGH. you dont understand how angry I was. or maybe you do. They were saying things like doctors should force feed anorexics hamburgers, or what if they get to their skinniest size and you still tell them they are fat, and not perfect. LIKE WTF, such dumb comments.... breathe they are just haters.

Second,
I went to Barnes and Nobles yesterday to study. And I discovered via Starbucks App on my iphone a Tall Ice Caramel Latte is only 90 calories. Compared to most starbucks drinks which are 300+ calories. I think most Iced Latte's are low on calories so I love them. But it took me like an hour to figure out a low calorie drink and possible something else low calorie to snack on (which doesn't exist at starbucks) So I was obsessing I really wanted to snack but everything was too many calories, I was getting weak on my decision when walks in is this really obese girl, she sits right next to me. Thank God! Decision made only the Latte for me. There is no way in hell I would be her size.

The weird thing is though, I wonder if fat people obsess about food as much as I do. I'm always thinking about food, but then I have the next thought about how many calories is in it, do i really need it, how will I work it off, no I will get fat. And this just replays in my mind over and over. I wish I didn't care about food, or think about it. I wish I was the person who wakes up and goes the whole day not eating, not because they have to keep constantly reminding themselves but they don't think about it, and they have "whoops i totally forgot to eat today" moment u kno?

Anyway ... yesterday I had a banana for breakfast, latte for lunch, plantain for dinner.
Today, banana for breakfast, latte for lunch =180 cal, dinner ? I will tell my mom I had one of those big sandwiches from starbucks and still full so I don't need to eat.

ohh and also today when I decided to get the latte for lunch I was going insane trying to decide between a croissant 170 calories or an orange 70 calories. I really wanted a croissant so bad but 170 calories thats wayyy to much. (isn't that weird that 170 is alot? + 90 drink = 360 hell no! in just a lunch.) Why does there have to be so many calories in the smallest thing, a salad can run up to 400+ calories. 1/2 cup peanuts 170 calories. Anyway I controlled myself I suppose and just got the drink, probably just because when I got there I found out they didn't even have croissants to begin with, Thank God.

Sorry this was a lot of rambling (as usual). Love you tiny girls, stay strong.

I'm like a bird, I want to fly away...

Hey ladies,

Phew!! I made it through Monday. I hate Mondays lol. I was proud of myself that I actually went to classes. It was rough and completely crashed and slept in my dorm room for a couple of hours during my break. By the last class though I had had enough and sped out of there. They are in my last class, I hate being in the same room as them. Especially her.

My fasting was going great... UNTIL mom had fucking dinner ready by the time I walked in the door. I figured she wouldn't and I could escape back out the door to go to barnes and nobles before she could ask if I ate today. Well my plan went to shit so I had a couple of steamed shrimp and a baby size plate of rice, a few bites of bread. Some fruit and peanuts -> I was starting to get out of control so I got my fat ass up and went to the gym before I could continue the madness.

The workout was great. I wore the heaviest sweat shirt and pants did the stationary bike for 1hour. The machine said I burned 320 calories but I was sweating like a pig cause I was so hot with all those clothes on. It was great. Then I would try and maintain a speed of 120 rpm so I was going super fast. It was great.

I dont know how many calories dinner intake was but the 320 calories definitely helped.

I <3 you girls. Stay strong, think thin, love your bones.

OH! and it was also a good day today because one of my friends I sit next to in class we started passing note (so bored in class) and she was asking me questions about weight lost. I was soooo surprised she didnt seem like the type to care. But she is getting married in july and need to shed extra pounds. Mind you she is already 107 lbs but still could pinch her stomach in disgust. I wasnt alone. We were there in the middle of class talkin about how fat we are and how we need to be thinner. It was great, kinda therapeutic.

Insomnia

I wouldn't advise anyone to read this. Its just a depressed rampage. I thought maybe if I wrote everything down, look at some thin pics it would give me peace and I would be able to go back to sleep.


So like I usually do every night I drank some wine. I probably always drink a little too much. But tonight I did some damage. I drink at night so I can turn off my mind and go to sleep, stay asleep and it helps sedate my dreams. Well tonight did the total fucking opposite or I wouldn't be awake right now. Drinking more means you wake up in the middle of the night to piss and drink some water because I was feeling ridiculously dehydrated.

First I just wanted to go back to sleep. I have to wake up in 2 hrs or less to go to this dumb class and make it through the rest of my day at this shit hole of an institution I call college. Then the f-ing flood gates opened and I couldnt stop crying. Dumb right? I know. I hate everything. But the good thing now is, I feel kind of numb my head hurts so much I cant think anymore. I wish I could just sleep in tomorrow, for the whole day. I really hope all this stressing out doesn't make me break out. Cause it will just make me pick everything, which Ive noticed lately I don't heal so well from anymore. Tomorrow will for sure be a fast day, (or today since it is 4:21 am right now)

okay, time to try to go back asleep again.

I wish I could fly.

I love you girls so much. I was having a shitty day, like horrible. I'm feeling really depressed and down today, right now. I told my managers to send me home, I couldn't stand being at work anymore for soooooooo many reasons. I am beginning to hate that place. On my drive home I realized that I actually hate alot of things and alot of people. But you guys I love, I just wanted to get home so I get blogg, and read your inspirational blogs. And it made me smile for the second time today (the first was that I was 115) that I have 5 followers!! thank you :)

Being home now, in my oversized pjs in my bed, with my labtop I almost cant remember why I was so angry and irritated today, its kinda all melted away. But I do remember thinking multiple times today how everything in my life is so out of control ( i feel like) I just want to leave, to fly away and escape. Be on a beach and not have to think about anything, with alot of alcohol. I don't even know if I want someone with me. Nope. Maybe you girls. I would love to be on a beach with alot of other people just like me and we can all support each other and be happy. I just feel like I can't breathe. I need to really talk to a counselor or a therapist. But our counselors at school are probably no help, and I can't afford a therapist. I want them to teach me how to forget people, and the hurt they caused. I want to start over. Something is wrong, why aren't I better by now, why do things still bother me, how is it I can't stop thinking about shit. I hate my brain STOP THINKING! All day at work I was on the verge of crying. On my drive home I was on the verge of crying. But I had to stop myself, what good would that do accept tell me how dumb and weak I am.

When I was telling my friend that was was moving home (awhile back) she said I hope that helps, and I replied me too. It helps a little, but I don't think it fully helps. I donno maybe it will when I am done with everything. I will never look back. Every chapter in my life always ends badly, by the end of highschool I hated everything, i just wanted to leave as fast as I could. Its the same thing with college. I just think I cant be in the same environment with the same people for too long. I dont know!!! If i could list every person and what they did though, you would understand too. I feel like I'm becoming an angry person inside. And only when I truly trust you will I let you in, and be nice. (I think thats the way to go)

FUCKKKKKK I just remember, school tomorrow. I hate life. I need some wine.

sorry I am being a debbie downer. on a happier note I am totally happy I met my first goal weight. I had my fruit salad for breakfast and small salad for lunch. walked for 2 hrs and walked around the restaurant for 4hrs. I'm thinking tomorrow is a fasting day. I need to feel empty, I need to feel in control losing weight makes me happy.

love you girls,
Hope you all are having a better day. Stay strong skinnies.

I made it!

Good Morning gorgeous girls!

So I caved in and weight myself. and it said i was 115!!!!! What!?? YES! But my mirror still says my thighs touch soooo this is not all for me. I'm gonna keep going to 110. Another 5 lbs, or until my legs stop touching. I really think walking for 2 hours a day really helped with weight loss.

School starts again tomorrow which explain my mini break down last night driving home. I haven't done one thing of homework this whole week. I hate school. I want it to be over. May 22 please hurry up.

breakfast: grapes and a banana
lunch: salad
dinner: nothing.

I have to work again today. So ill have a lot more running around.

Skin and bones.... and FAT!

Good Morning all you pretty little things,

I had a great day at work. I picked up another shift so I worked a double. Basically that gave me an extra five hours I used to run laps around the restaurant, great way to burn calories and look as if I am being productive. Yesterday I had a banana refused to take a lunch break b/c of course I didn't want to be tempted to order lunch.

I feel like the world, or just our society is so hypocritical. We are obviously faced with the obesity epidemic but as soon as you take the steps to fix yourself and lose weight everyone is OMGosh your so skinny you need to eat. WTF! Um... NO! If I did I would be fat don't you understand!

The point I am making is at work I have never been called skin and bones so much my whole life. Like when everyone was pressuring me to take a lunch break it wasn't to relax it was Tara, you need to eat something your just skin and bones. Or when they commented on me wearing long sleeves, it was about 70 degrees yesterday and everyone was sooo hot but I was still kinda cold but comfortable in my long sleeves, it was because I was just skin and bones and needed more meat on my bones. Lastly when I was on my way home and went into my boss office to recap on the night (it WAS a little crazy) my other boss comes in with a PLATE of shrimp and lobster quesdillas and tells me to eat! (they were extra on the line and would of been thrown away) So I think I had four because I felt like they were watching me everytime I stopped eating after one they said have another, then I said whooa I'm so full now thanks lol.

Its just annoying because when someone sees a skinny person they comment on how skinny they are and to eat. But if someone sees a fat person no one tells them look how fat you are you should stop eating. Maybe if more people in the world did that we wouldn't have an obesity problem (in America).

I am not bitter or anything. Kinda happy I guess that everyone thinks I am skin and bones. (which I am not they are missing FAT) But I wish they wouldn't pressure me to eat after such a compliment. You know?

Today I had a bowl of grapes and a banana. Going for a 2hr walk. Hopefully no more food intake for the day. :)

Hello Spring! Nice to see you again.

I woke up. Had a scrambled egg on a mini bagel. Yea I know I should of not had the bagel but it was only 100 calories and egg for some protein (which I haven't had in awhile). Then went for an amazing walk.

First I went around my neighborhood. Its pretty huge. I sped walked with a little bit of running. I have asthma so I am always scared to run. My heart always feels weird like its about to give out and then my chest really starts hurting. I don't know if that is normal or not and maybe I should just push through it and that would go away but I figure its by body saying Hey! Dumbass your not a runner! So I stop and just walk fast. Anywhoo, that took and hour. But I felt like I could still go more, burn more. But didn't want to do the neighborhood anymore so I walked to the store. Which is really far.

It took another hour. At first I was scared to go out the neighborhood cause there are major streets and I was paranoid that everyone would be seeing me, or someone would notice me and want to talk. I was more nervous that everyone would be watching me as they drove by, like how I do when I am driving by people lol. But I overcame the feeling and really enjoyed it. I saw alot of spring things. It was so uplifting and relaxing, or calming at the same time. All the flowers are coming out, I saw a bee (which I then ran from literally lol) We have a few big ponds in the area. It was nice to look at the water, it was like I was mediating I got to just think about alot of things. And really focus on my thighs, I could picture the fat burning off. It was a nice thought.

I could honestly suffer from seasonal depression because the weather being as nice as it is today makes life not suck so much. It also makes me realize how much I need to focus. Its really crunch time. This is the time for shorts and skirts and bathingsuits!!! So Tara, no more playing around. I need to be skinner. Cute clothes are always cuter on skinny people. No one wants to see fat legs, rubbing together as they walk in their shorts. I need a define 2 inches between each legs. Right now I am probably at a 1/2 centimeter, if that. Then I will be happyhappyhappy!!

I love you girls. It is only with your inspiration I have made it this far. I hope I motivate others too. xoxoxo stay beautiful and strong.


these are my legs now (sorry jess but they are not skinny enough, too much butt too much inner thigh you can imagine if she stood together with her feet touching her thighs would still touch a little, like how mine are) This is what I want:

Awake too early.

Yesterday was a good day. Today will be a good day. I'm happy I'm back in control. I will successfully avoid my mom for the rest of week and weekend because I will constantly be at work. Last night I told her I ate at our work meeting, yeah right like they would spend money on a work meeting. But that got me out of eating dinner.

I am up so ridiculously early since my mom insist on waking me up before SHE leaves for work which is 630 am to ask me about her outfit. Its beautiful outside so I am going to go for a run. I might go to Barnes and Nobles afterwards to read for school, or sit on the balcony. I don't want to just stay in the house because that could result in bad cravings. I will NOT be having none of that nonsense lol.

Not much more to say. Love you girls so much. Stay beautiful. Oh. and Nooo laxatives for me I don't think. If it doesnt remove the calories from the food I eat there is no point. I am better off not eating.

Just Breathe

Today will be a good day. I had a banana. That will be all for the rest of the day. I feel bad about the stupid banana now, but I have a lab today so I have to run around campus following squirrels. It will be great exercise but terribly annoying. Ill be at or around campus until 9 or so, my work has called a mandatory meeting so I have to go to that. When I get home, I will go to the gym. By this time next week March 23 was my goal to be 115, I will get there. It really shouldn't of taken this long. Mid-April I should be 110.

My exam got pushed back until next week ( i thought it was this friday) so I am feeling a whole lot less stressed and no urges to eat. I am going to start studying now, in the library. I have to waste time before lab since I can't drive home.

I looked into taking laxatives last night, I am seriously considering it since I can't seem to purge. Online was a little discouraging as if they would not help in weight loss, but that has to be nonsense because plenty of girls use it to lose weight. Suggestions?

i hate food

Ahhhhhhhh!! I'm going insane. I'm just going to deem this day a major failure. It doesn't matter how many thin pics I look at I still want food. I think it is better that I give in to this crazy obsession today so that it will only last for today. I even thought about Mcdonald's today something is wrong with me!! Every commercial on TV is about food. Today after several months I am going to give in. Have a good dinner then hate myself. And fast for the rest of the week. I need to fast for forever!!!!! I am going to go to the gym again tonight. The fucked up part of it all I'm not even hungry but I want to eat. I tried to purge again today... nothing.

All of this has to be 100% the reason for being so stressed lately about school and finances. All my friends want me to come out for st. pattys day but I don't have enough money to spend, plus I would need a new outfit, I cant go. I need to make money. My mom even noticed how much my face is scarred up, I keep picking and scratching everywhere. She asked whats wrong... I said nothing lets go out to eat. UGH!!!

I can't wait for tomorrow, a new day. Ill be back on track. I can't wait to be back in control.

Mirror Mirror

I feel weak. I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I keep thinking of food. Its all I see. I keep snacking and I am angry at myself. I am not even hungry I just want to taste food I think, I miss it. I ate all of my caramel rice cakes and started on my cheddar cheese ones. Granted they are only 50 calories each (they are the bigger ones) and I did work out this morning but if I were stronger I wouldn't of engulfed worthless calories.

Today I tried on my old clothes from a few years ago to see if I could fit in them now. And I could and they are actually looser on me now then when I bought them. But its not enough I need my thighs to be smaller. UGH! From the knees up I need to lose probably 2 lbs per leg. I had to stop staring in the mirror, it kept telling me I was still fat. I am not going to weigh myself until I finally gain some more control. I am all out of gum, I need to buy some more.

Tomorrow will be a good day, Ill be busy all day.

Dinner today... I dont know. Hopefully mom won't being anything home. Or maybe I should tell her I ate while she was at work... I dont know.

God make me skinny!

gym was good. burned maybe 600 calories. which is good. Mom came home with pizza ( angry face! but expected) I still feel gross although I did worked out b4 I ate (2 slices :( :( !!!)I burned the roof of my mouth sooo bad, my skin even came off but I deserved it I suppose, my fat ass shouldnt of been eating so fast, or at all...


Tomorrow I am going to run outside for 1hr and half ... if not more. I'm going to run to the store... it is pretty far I'm not sure how many miles it will be. I'm really excited about doing this, it will be a challenge and I want to conquer it. I need to be smaller still. Ugh I need to lose more weight, its driving me insane.

Todays Plan

Good Morning ladies!

I have a lot going on, a lot to think about, things I'd like to get off my mind. However right now I'm too tired. And I am going back to sleep, I had to wake up for this retarded 8am class I had. I'm back home now.

Todays Plan
Sleep
Gym for an hour and half or more [I'm sure mom is going to have me eat something, so I need to work it off before I eat it. sooooo frustrating.]

thats all I got for now. love u girls. have a good day. be strong.

It been to long.

Hello beautiful ladies!!
I've missed you! It been too long (which was probably only a day, but I post at least twice a day and check it constantly, I'm addicted). I had a dream that I need to get back on. So I woke up and thats the first thing I did.

I worked a double shift yesterday, I need to make money. OMG everytime I think I am getting somewhere, or ahead something else comes up I can never just have money in the bank for security. I really need to pick up more shifts, anyway...

Working a lot has its benefits because I am constantly moving so my legs are finally looking shaped and great. I can stand with my feet together and my thighs are just barely touching. I am sooooo happy about that. I am now at 116.4. I thought it would have been more considering I fasted but at least it was something in the RIGHT direction. I have been avoiding my mom because I am at work by the time she starts cooking, and I am being super strong for you girls at work because I won't eat anything. I stay full on water and the thought of being skinny.

I had a dream about her again last night, she had been absent from my dreams for awhile (like a day or two) but I guess shes back. I can't understand it, I want to forget her, I really do. But as soon as I sleep, where I lose all ability to control my thoughts she is there!! So annoying. In psychology we are talking about the meaning of dreams. I kno the meaning of these dreams... I just wish I didn't have them anymore. STOP HAUNTING ME!!

I am spending the rest of the afternoon, catching up on your blogs. I love you girls. You all are my thinspiration.

(a few bites of Spinach for lunch)

Yay Me!

Today went good!

I went to work and did not touch a single thing.Omg it got a little difficult at times not only was the restaurant full of everyone eating, but somehow all the employees were eating, my managers even! But not me I'm pretty proud of myself. I just kept telling myself
1. stop looking at food (even tho I was on take out orders and had to package them up)
2. If I eat anything it will taste good for a second then I am going to hate myself. 3. I need to be skinny, burn off maximal amount of calories.
4. If I eat I'm going to get fat.
5. I made a promise. so I had to keep it.

I wish I could make myself study...

love you girls,
stay strong.

ps. could anyone please explain to me how I can make my header picture bigger? Ive been trying forever and I'm going crazy. just simply include what I need to adjust

never again.

Today I'm feeling better. Last nite I went into a complete panic. But everything is ok, my pants are still quite baggy and its great. They are the only way I notice a change because when I look in the mirror I literally only see fat still. I need more space in between my thighs. So when I buy shorts, skirts and dresses I wont feel them rubbing UGH! so gross! I didn't get on the scale, I will maybe sunday morning... or Tuesday what the hell.

Today I had 2 rice cakes, one for breakfast and one for lunch, 50 calories each. That will be all for the day besides water. today I am really going to test my willpower because I have to work today at 3:45pm ... at a restaurant ( i might add). But instead of thinking about what they are eating, I'm going to think about who is eating it. 90% will be quite fat so that will be my motivation. I promise you girls I will complete this, I will not cheat. ( I made a promise, I cant break it.)

I'm not driving home today because I have a 8am class tomorrow morning and minds-well not waste gas and avoid mommy dearest, who is making dinner tonight. [Never again!!] I just really need to tell her there are certain foods I don't prefer to eat, I'm sorry I am ruining meal time but I need to make myself happy. In all actuality I think when I eat with her it makes her feel better that she is slacking on her diet and exercise (which she is). So never again.

i.heart.you.dolls! thanks for your support. Have a thin day!



(bad)


(good)

oh NO! Mom went grocery shopping!

damn it damn it damn it!!

I don't know what to do. My mom decided she needed to get food in the house. Which really sucks for me, I liked going to the fridge and find nothing there. Nothing there to tempt me so I would just turn back around after I drank some water. It was great, thats how I got to where I am at. So I absolutely had to go with her so she wouldn't buy the wrong things. And by wrong I mean totally fating things that I would love to wrap my fat fingers around.

So I got hummus and pita crackers, spinach and pasta salad, and some rice cakes... all pretty low in calories. Ill be sure that ill only eat a few bites for lunch and dinner.

However!!! shes got things to make for dinner. She will undoubtly think my things as snack but Ill have to eat what she is making for dinner. DAMN! like now, i gotta go eat AHHHHHHHHHH shes going to totally ruin all my hard work. Maybe moving back home wasn't such a good idea.

Officially Springtime!

Good morning lovely ladies!

So 4 days straight of driving with my sunroof open, I hear by declare it spring time!! (the exactly what I put as my facebook status)

Today I have one class for 50mins I think we get to watch survivor, yea the TV show. Its a bs class and right after its over I am peacing out of this place. Its fun to come and go and not feel like a prisoner of HELL! lol

I weighed myself this morning ... 116.6 which means I only lost .2 lbs grrr! but I guess that is because I only went to the gym once this week (yesterday). So I'm hitting it up again today. I burn more calories on the treadmill for an hour then I do the bike, so its back to the treadmill.

lunch: fruit
dinner: salad?

Its crunch time now ladies, think thin :)



( i think she is the prettiest and smallest model so I always choose her.)

Stupid people!

I was having such a great morning,

then a sequence of annoying people kept bothering me. From my teacher asking why I have missed two classes this week, wtf does it matter its college we don't have to ask your permission to be absent. UGH! I was so irritated by that, that I just wanted to get home as fast as I could but everyone was driving like little old women! So annoying!

Went to the gym for an hour then did some excerises in my room, had a salad before the gym. I burned off 320 ish calories. Then my mom ( i should of known better then to wear shorts in front of her) commented on how skinny I am getting, and that I should stop. OMG that makes me so angry!!! So I was like would it make you happy if i was FAT! with no self control, eat fast food and not exercise like WTF!

Anyway I am not going to let people get me down. People with no self control feel as though they need to criticize people who do just because they cant. Fat assess!

No one can stop us. We are beautifully thin. Think summer time :)

I love the rain.

Today is another good day. My test.... well could of went better but whatever i'm not stressing. I ended up cramming everything in 2 hours before class.

I had a meeting with my academic adviser today and basically told her the same thing, that I'm over school I dont care anymore, as long as I graduate thats all that matters. She said she has noticed the gradual change in me since first coming into school as a freshmen when I was so motivated. We talked about my life after I graduate from college, In my mind all I care about is being 110lbs as far as figuring out my loan payments, getting a job, and going to medical school I dont want to think about. Or I can sum it up as being skinny and rich, now thats a great life!! I kinda told her that too, that I just want to make alot of money, and apologized for being so superficial. She then took it upon herself to lecture me about having a fulfilling career not based on money or something ( I stopped listening)

Today:
breakfast - yorgurt 100 calories
lunch- grapes
dinner - ?

I am going to the gym today 1 hr on stationary bike, 30 mins worth of squats and lunges. That should burn off 400 cal. Im avoiding the scale until sunday.

If I am smart I should study for my psychology test I have saturday, so I can go out thursday.

so addicted to thin !!

OMG! I can't do work.

All I do, and want to do for hours is look at thin pics. Girls who look how I want to look. I want to know everything about how they got there. All the ways, pros and cons. I'm so excited for summer I even tried on my bathing suit bottom just to see how my legs looks in it so far (as suggested :D) . Granted I still have a lot more to go, but it was encouraging.

Its official I'm going for 110! yayy. OMG its all I think about all the time, all day. Last nite I kept waking up out of my sleep to feel that my stomach was flat, no joke! I donno y maybe I was scared I would wake up and it would be flappy. ugh! I am so intense now, I never want the intensity of it to go away (again). Nothing means more to me right now then reaching this goal.

School's a drag, I wish I could of majored in something like weight management. AHH I would be in heaven. Instead I did PreMed .... so f-ing laame and I'm over it. Reaching my GW and graduating is equally # 1 to me on my list to accomplish.

I love all your girls! I hope everyone is as inspired by this awesome weather as I am. Stay Strong, Summer is almost here!

Beautiful Day

Today was a great day.

I woke up and just felt in the mood to work out. So I did 50 lunges, 50 abs. Its all I had time for.

Had yogurt for breakfast
Applesauce for lunch
Lettuce with 1 boiled egg for dinner.

So happy its warmer outside, and those little specs of snow left doesn't bother me quite as much since I can have my sunroof open with my shades on. :)

I must must must be productive today, and study for this test I have tomorrow. So no more blogging or facebook, or any other procrastinating things.

Hope all is well dolls.

At a crossroad...Help?

Ok I'm so confused I don't know what to do. Or what is right.

Today I was fasting, perfectly. I was so proud. Of course I was hungry but I loved it. I had water and gum, and a sip of juice when I got lightheaded. Everything was awesome and then I wasn't so hunger anymore, I only thought of being super skinny. But because I'm always obsessing the second I got to the computer I just wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. So I googled. I probably should of blogged instead I would of stayed straight on my path.

And on there they have all these sites about how you have to keep up your metabolism. And by not eating you slow your metabolism, its harder to lose weight and faster to gain double by binging. So I had some lettuce with a few bites of salmon, I wasn't even exactly hunger when I ate, I just didn't want to ruin everything that has been working okay so far.

What is the right way? All I basically eat now is veggies anyway (because I gave up meat occasionally i eat fish, shrimp, or crab) in very small portions. So should I stay with that or cut everything out?

Fasting today.

Last night went horribly wrong, or horribly right I'm not so sure anymore. Well things got heated. And I kno all the things to piss her off, so I said them. Which resulted in her coming to my room to fight me. Its kinda hilarious now. I wanted her to fight me, it will give me a good chance in hitting her in the face. Plus she came to my room to fight me, so if I wanted to get her expelled I could, and i should her and her dumb friend. I called her out on all of her bullshit it was great, and in my opinion I won that fight, physically and mentally. I cant recall the details but I do remember her flying thru the air, and falling the five feet distance to the floor from my bed. It was great. Im small but I'm strong especially when I'm pissed.

I was still hurt tho, i donno y. I still cried after I through her out my room by her hair. So i drove home and slept there. When I got home, she text me and apologized for everything spiraling out of control. I dont kno how to take that. I didn't respond. She probably just wants to get out of me not telling campus security. hmmmm I havent decided.

When I woke up I weighed myself. ( i cant help it, im addicted) Anyway good news is I lost more weight. Im down to 116.8 and I plan on fasting today and for the rest of the week. I want to feel empty. I have so much school work to do, its annoying, I just want it all to stop.

txt messages.

Finally ! She gave me my pictures back. I made her slide it under my door. Then she texts : Do I have anything else that belongs to you that you know of?

UGH YES!
MY SOUL
MY HEART
MY SPIRIT
WHO I WAS
MY GOALS
MY HAPPINESS
MY EVERYTHING, MY LIFE
she stole it all. Fucking slut.

instead I said, not like you can give it back. she said like what? I said nothing. I want to forget you. A little mellow dramatic. But Ive been drinking for awhile now. I feel ontop, im sure that will change when she responds. I hope she doesn't I hope she cries. She wont.

She responds... this is going to get ugly. I'll probably cry tonite. I hate life.

Skinny Dreams

SO... tonite I have to spend the nite at school and id rather die. because I just got off work late and have to wake up super early for class so I would save some sleep time if I just stayed here. However I probably won't sleep well here so maybe I was better off staying home.

And of course because I am here, I am so fucking depressed. And everything that would add to it has happened. ( I don't even want to get into although it probably would feel better too, but its way to complicated) So I thought being here I would get some work done for my classes tomorrow. Not happening. I think I'm just going to get in the bed and watch tv. I dont care, I cant care about school anymore. My mom keeps mentioning shit about graduate courses or MCAT prep courses and I must give her the death glare cause she shuts right up. I don't care about anything anymore. Except I love blogging. I love you girls.

I wish I could cut, burn, purge, pop pills or something right now. Something to do to feel better, or be in a different place. But I cant, I don't know how, or I'm too scared. All I know how to do is drink. Ive never drank by myself before so much in my life, until now. But its kind of how I prefer it.

I wish I could start over, pick a different life. Make different choices and not end up here. And end up happy. I wish I could know the future, living through this sucky time wouldnt suck so much if I knew for sure it wouldnt last forever.

Anyway sorry to be so depressing. Tomorrow will be great for fasting. I'm just going to tell my mom that I ate at school. Hopefully I can do this for the rest of the week. Thinking about being skinny makes me really happy. I will dream of being skinny.

blah blah blah.

Yesterday was kinda of blah.

I was suppose to go out to this party with friends ( i wouldnt actually call them friends... ) or people I work with but I totally lied and said I wasnt going to make it because I was already out. No, in reality I was laying in the bed. I don't know why I do that, I think I isolate myself. I'm sure I would of had fun but it takes alot for me to get motivated to go. Maybe I knew I wouldnt of had anything cute to wear and would of looked like a retard. Today at work they are all going to be "Where were you, we had such a good time."

Today I dont want to eat anything. My mom just mentioned going out for lunch... i think I dogde that well. We'll see if she mentions it again. I'm starting to like the feeling of emptyness, it means I'm getting skinny, and thats what I keep telling myself. However like last nite to avoid eating I just went to sleep, and made myself not move from the bed. This was really productive for fasting not so much for doing homework. Oh well I hate school.

I'm going to try and not weigh myself for the rest of the week, maybe by next sunday I'll be down alot which would make me happy. Oh! and I found my measuring tape my thighs are 19.5 inches ( if i measured right). Yea they are freaking HUGE! So hopefully those will go down considerable. :) yay cant wait.

water Water WATER!

I'm back home, and I can breathe again.

I hate going to school. Just as I'm driving there everything just gets dark, I'm immediately depressed. I walk around the campus angry and hateful I donno y. I avoid ppl so I dont have to put on a fake smile and ask "how are you, I'm good." Such a lie.

I'm not sure what it is... but she definitely has something to do with it. I saw her today. When I saw her I was driving off campus I don't think she noticed my car. It was like I had entered into a movie and everything slows down. Somehow it seemed like I started driving slower and she started walking slower, when in reality I'm pretty sure I sped up because I wanted to get the hell out of there. In a weird way I wanted her to notice me, so then she could hurt. Anyway she looks like shit now, like really worn down. She look like she was in really deep thought about something. [ While I kinda wish maybe shes in pain and was thinking about me, I tell myself shes not, not to even get my hopes up. It gets weirder because even if she did tell me she was thinking about me, I would tell her to fuck off, just as I had earlier this semester but still be kinda happy that happened. lol I kno, weird. ]

Anyway, me and my mom was suppose to go to lunch after class. But being who she is, her boyfriend probably came over so she ditched me to go to the movies. That worked out perfectly tho because now I have away to get out of lunch. And say I already ate. Water Water! WATER! I'm excited this is gonna work.

Fatty McFat.

On a good note. Thursday was awesome. Had a great time, drank quite alot just what I needed. And caught up with the girlies, and just like I assumed at the bar was a total soap opera with my bff and her ex. ( or lack of the presence of my bff because her ex has a new gf long story)

Anyway more to the point. I went out shopping a little on thursday morning to find something to wear, and BOOM! A realization that I am still quite fat. Nothing looked good on me. Tried on some skirts, another bad idea my legs are tubs of lard. As badly as I needed something to wear I couldn't bare trying on anymore clothes. I left the mall with nothing.

Then both of my bffs are super skinny, and they are beautiful and when we all stand together I am the fat one. I feel really super subconscious. I can't really explain it but I feel like everything looks or feels really awkward on me and everyone notices it too. Its probably just me being paranoid.

Anyway, the point is, while I'm losing weight, its not enough. I want absolutely no no NO fat anywhere. Maybe its time I fast. I'm nervous because I always passed out in the pass, and how my life is working out now, no one will be there to catch me.

I am considering my new GW is 110, but let me get to 115 first.

Good Morning!

Good Morning Lovelies!!

It's Thursday!!! You know what that means, Yes I am going out. To DC to see all my bffs. Omg one of my friends didnt want to come bc her ex might coming with his new girl. See we all use to hang out together (the boys now the ex's ) and the girls. We all managed to keep a really good friendship, well except for her n him but thats only because they both got stupid drunk last time and decided to make out full on with each other ( she currently is in really serious relationship too) So I guess the kiss complicated everything and they can't deny they actually have feeling for each other still. lol When we all go out its like a big soap opera, and another one will indeed play out again tonite. I cant wait.

OMG so last nite my mom walks in the door like "Honey I have a surprise for you!" She comes in my room and reveals a big ass box of donuts. I could of nearly threw them over the balcony! Instead I was like MOM! wtf why out of all the healthy things you passed up in the grocery store do you decide to pick up a twelve pack of donuts. What are you thinking! I guess I kinda ruined her spirits, she said she will just take them to work. Damn straight you will, what do i look like munching on donuts and having all my hard work go down the drain. I read the back of the box 300 calories in 1 donut. Thats insane, almost the amount I eat in a day. Plus yesterday I had to work my ass off in the gym just to burn 404 calories. Donuts had to go!!

I'm looking forward to reading everyones blogs today, I will catch up after class. Stay strong, thin and positive lovely ladiez! <3 much!

As for me :
still exactly at 117.8 :(

breakfast: had 1 boiled egg and juice
lunch: ? maybe grapes and water.
dinner: with mom salad or hummus ( i have yet to have it)

Its almost Thursday!

So just finished one too many bites of rice :( ( mom had it in the fridge) I dumped the rest in the trash just so I wouldn't eat anymore.

But it will be okay because I am going to go to the gym after I write up this lab report for school. And run until I collapse. So it will be as if I never ate the rice. Damn you CARBS!! Oh and definitely no more food for the rest of the day.

I talked with me bff today totally excited for tomorrow. I told her I'm now down to 117.8 ( as of this morning) and shes really happy for me. However she is alot alot skinner then me, I wish I was her size, I just dont know how much she weighs and I could never ask. I feel like that is really disrespectful to ask someone how much they weigh even if your just asking because you want to be as skinny as them ( which would actually be a compliment) . Maybe thats just me, maybe its just I would never want to be asked publicly how much I weigh. Its like asking an older women her age. Do you feel the same about that too? or is it just me?

Perfection

This is exactly how I want my legs to look. I would be the happiest girl in the world. :) I can do it. But is a GW of 115 enough?

Hope all is well dolls. Stay strong.
lots of <3

Finally, fresh air

I woke up this morning, and for the first time in awhile I feel like I can breathe again. Ive been so suffocated at school, but being home feels great. My mom yet doesn't too much understand, mostly because I didn't tell her fully (yesterday I wasnt in the mood.) but she will get the picture.

I weighed myself this morning, down another pound! I donno what's going on but I'm not complaining. A little side note: I love that my number is going down (118) but I don't actually see it in my legs especially. Maybe it will take more time to show I'm not going to dwell on it after all I'm not even at 115 yet.

okay lovelies this is what I'm doing:
basically I've figured out the goal for weight loss, is to def restrict your diet but to keep your metabolism going, so when you do eat, it will burn right off.

breakfast I had cup of OJ and 1 slice of cinnamon raisin bread. I didnt eat all of it but it was something.
lunch: I'm thinking applesauce and baby pickles.
dinner: salad or maybe a few bites of hummus ( I just read someone eating hummus sound like a good idea. lol )

Hopefully I will make it to the gym, I'm really determined to. Last nite I couldnt and did an hour worth of crunches and leg lifts.

Hope this helps someone. Stay Strong I kno you can do it.
<3 always,
Tara

Crash and Burn

So I have just decided I'm gonna move back home. Right after this I'm packing! I can exactly remember where I lost it, myself. I'm in this fog its dark and cloudy. I cant find myself in this. Sometimes it feels good to cry until I'm numb, or until I fall asleep. But I feel like its happening more often, and anything will set it off.

Did my presentation, I dont think that went well at all even though everyone says I did great and the professors were just really hard on me. ON ME! Why? if only they knew what I go through everyday why would they pick on me. I cant take anymore. I really cant. I cant live here anymore. I just want to go home. maybe ill find myself there, who i use to be as if I never left. Please I just want to feel better. And no one sees it. No one knows I cry everynite.

My bff called she feels so bad for me. She told me how Im such a good student and always happy and fun to be around, she said to get out of here too because this place is changing me and to look forward to Thursday. Going home will be nice, driving back and forth not so much or trying to avoid munching on everything [ my mom always feeds me, it annoying.]

Time to pack.

Dooms day is here lol

Good Afternoon lovelies!

I meant to write when I woke up but I decided to sleep in until the last possible minute when I had to run late to class. haha.

Anyway today I'm feeling good. I woke up, weighed myself and guess what? i lost weight! Im down to 119, I guess snacking on popcorn and baby pickles really helped.

For lunch I had a couple of bites of spaghetti and salad, it was really hard for me to eat I kinda had to force it down. I needed to eat because I'm giving that presentation today and I did not want to pass out in front of the whole class, and wake up to ppl saying "someone get her crackers to eat" like they did when I saw younger lol so embarrassing. Oh and I am trying the coke zero. So only that water and gum for the rest of the day. :)

Anyway I would love to write more, and check on how everyone else is doing but I need to practice. I hope everyone is doing great!