2 more days then beach!

Right now, I am in a OCD crazy girl mode. It's driving me insane so I need to succumb to it so I can get on with my day. Because of yet I am just walking around in circles. So After this I need to clean/dust/ probably rearrange everything I am only allowing myself a limited amount of time to do this because of actually have shit to do today! like- go to the bank, meet up with K, pack for the beach. Which will probably result in me going to the mall at some point.

On another note my weight is driving me insane! Everyone thinks I am so skinny!? I dont understand what they see. I dont see it! I need to lose like 5+ more lbs. And I fuck up all the time-- lately I keep snacking on veggies. I kno that veggies are not a big deal but its the fact that I am not in control-- I shud be able to better control not eating when I dont want to i have been trying to fast for weeks but i keep fucking up! So i feel like shit. So today- fast. Tomorrow-fast. At the beach I will stay in control. even tho ill b on my cycle :(



AHHHHH this will not be me!! Or you girls! Stay strong. <3 <3 <3

Think Thin!

ok its been way too long. but no matter what I am always dedicated to you girls even in my absence. My family all finally left yesterday. THANK GOODNESS! Having them all in my room, in my space everywhere I turn was difficult. and so annoying. Today I slept most of the day because I was so mentally exhausted. I did manage to escape saturday nite, got completely hammered, gracefully feel down some stairs which is also another reason why I slept in because I was still so sore and tired. its okay you can laugh. lol

Ive been avoiding that dreadful weight machine aka scale. I dont wanna know. But my family has been really on my case about being too skinny. LIARS! So i guess I am on the right track. tehehe. Today from being in the bed all day. I took a 2 hr walk. Prior to the walk I only had raw veggies. Right now I am empty, I like it.

I am going to the beach in 3 days with K and some friends. Should be an interesting trip. I am excited to get out of here, and lay out. I rele must strategically figure out how to go about K. What I want: To have a completely different personality. Like how the celebrities do it. Think- Lady Gaga. She has this whole persona other then herself. I wanna do that. But how? I want to be completely cocky/confident, sexy, outgoing, non-dull, fun crazy person, that always has something to say. I want to be completely undeniable completely desired, wanted-- needed but untouchable at the same time like celebrities. Is that possible? I need to find this person, become her, and keep me- Tara hidden, protected, safe. I'll google how to... become a new person. I'm sure it wll be on google.

As for tomorrow. I would really like to fast- completely. For the first time since finals. Think beach Tara, Think bathing suit. Think fat thighs. Think Thin!

We can do it. We can do it. We have to! Skinny, and light, carefree adored by all. Stay strong. Stay focused. We don't need food. We dont!!

I'm alive.

hey ladies!

I hope all of you are doing well. For me-- its about the same. I graduate on Saturday. YAY! However thinking of Friday has been giving me alot of anxiety lately. All of my family is coming up... UGH!! I don't wanna be bothered. I see these ppl like one weekend out of the year another then that its just me and my mom occasionally. Just because we are related somehow doesn't mean anything, they are basically strangers lol U kno?? And now i am forced to be cooped up with them this weekend and put on a smile that I am just so happy to be missing out on hanging out with my friends .... Like my little cousins all I remember growing up was beating the shyt out of them. No literally. Why didn't my mom get it then-- I don't like being forced to be around these ppl and now they are coming to my house, Oh JOY!!! I need to find a way to escape.

Oh and all my mom is concerned about is orchestrating what we will all be eating. IS that just me, or is that all she is talking about. her conversation is when they get here we will eat here, saturday I made reservations here, sunday we are gonna have this bigggg brunch before they leave. I just wanna scream: ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS FOOD!!!!

So as you can imagine I have been really anxious. Ive started blow drying my face. The hot air, which burns feels good. It helps instead of picking. Today I couldnt resist tho and went to my legs. I have been trying to not disfigure my face lately since im sure there are gonna be alot of pictures taken. I really am starting to hate hate hate pictures. UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I've rearranged my room again. I just wanna relax. Vodka cranberry and Harry Potter tonite ladies.

Stay strong. love ya mucho!!

best day of my LIFE

today has been the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!! lol

I am DONE with school!! fasting is going well. Seeing K in a few hours. OMG can you believe it actually am having a semi- decent conversation with her . Turns out she has my textbook too and we need to exchange....

So yeah. Back on the weight loss journey after last nite. And I am happy. I am happiest when I am losing weight i think. I learned that I suck at maintaining weight.

Cant wait to see K, i hope hope hope something happens. LOL then I can just blame it on being drunk. teehehehehe

Epic failure...

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... i feel horrible!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.....

i just ate so much bread. WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?

todays intake was 710 cal. KILL ME! like 600 of that was bread. I wanna cry.

I just got back from buying size 0 jeans... they were so cute. When I wake up tomorrow I'm not going to be able to fit them.

I'm fasting tomorrow. I am fasting tomorrow I am fasting tomorrow. STARVE asshole! ur getting fat! Thursday I am working out. I cant seat around the house anymore. And mom need to get the bread out of this house!!!!! She did this on purpose!! Who buys two loafs of bread at a time. cruel cruel women!

Today was a failure. This week has been a failure. I will get it back. I will get back on track. I will not fuck up anymore.

[crunches until I throw up... perhaps I should try to throw up]

oh and why is my face still breaking out! I AM 21 years OLD!!! I wash my face all the time I dont drink sodas or eat greasy foods. I dont understand. Right now I want to lazer my face off! and all this fat. THATS IT! NEW goal weight is 105!

My body obviously doesn't know what to do with itself unless I'm losing weight so... there! Now I can work toward something.



This was earlier this week.... too bad I no I have gained alot tonite alone. fml I will get back there and further.

Bigger is NOT better

Yesterday, my mind was a wreck. Still I cant focus on studying. My last tests are tomorrow ... omg and I can't care any less if I pass or fail. I just want it to be over with!!

Well, K totally asked me to go with her to the beach. SOOOO excited. Then my bff L will be down the same weekend so ill probably stay an extra week or so. This means I really need to get down, further. I wanna be super thin. more more more!!

The only sucky thing about being thin is I have no boobs. NONE! they are gone! I love boobs, I always wish I had them. If I had alot of money, id get boob implants and maybe a nose job.









Oh God! I just threw up a little bit in my mouth! That will not be me!! Her ass is swallowing her bottoms... Even if K expressed she likes a lil junk in the trunk, ill teach her to appreciate the finer, thinner things in life. lol

right now I need to:
1- try and focus for 1 hour
2- go to the mall need to get some skinny jeans for tommorrow nite. Drinks with K :)
3- watch the hills!!!!!! i <3 <3 <3 the hills
4- figure out my hair situation for tomorrow...

beautiful disaster ...

OMG I just watched Engaged and Underage on MTV with the cutest lesbian couple. It almost makes me want to be in a relationship again and God-forbid get married. lol. They were just so damn cute, and funny ... just obviously shows how emotional and dramatic girls can be lol but you gotta love it. Damn. A itty bitty part of me misses it, that happy times, as few as they were.

FUCK MY LIFE! what's wrong with me. whats wrong with me. If I hate someone so much, looking at them makes me sick, all I want to do is forget they ever existed why do I still think about the past. I have never in my life had a problem forgetting people, why is this so damn fucking difficult. Like my mind just slips into thoughts of her WHYYY!! I honest to God I dont want to remember anymore. Whats wrong with me. Then I start thinking-- no way in hell would she ever think that i even care anymore, i never show it I put on a good act, I would appear to hate her. I do! But maybe she does the same thing, maybe she still thinks about me but doesnt show it. No, no, no she doesn't. I pushed her away too many times, I made sure she hates me with everything I said, she deserved it. I cant let myself forget, she deserved it. Shes a horrible person.

She hates me, its mutual...

This is what I am scared off. I've fucking moved off campus to get away from her, everything. I threw away most of my memories, dropped a necklace in the bottom of the lake, I "blocked" her out of my life but I still have these moments. WHY isnt everything I am doing to forget working. Now school is basically over-- what if still STILL i think about her. Basically I need away to guarantee that after graduation I will never think of her. I want to close this chapter of my life and everything in it. Like a book -- close it and put it on the shelve to collect dust, and forget its there. Do I still need closure or something, like a proper closure. Only thing is I dont wanna talk about us, what went wrong. All I would want to say is have a good life.I dont wanna have hard feelings anymore, i feel like this is the only way i can move on with my life. But at the same time I dont wanna be the only one who is still stuck.

Even crazier tho is the ppl in our lives ... still connect us. K used to date her ex and T and I use to "date" somewhat. like wtf. OHHH and lastly, I have her textbook. I used this semester... which i should be studying right now. But should I txt her like I have your book ... or just sell it.

The point is I dont wanna move on passed graduation and still feel someway about her. I just want closure, so that all these memories and emotions can die. Officially!!


Sorry for rambling ... back to what is actually important in my life.

breakfast- oatmeal
lunch--
dinner--

I'm in the mood to fast for the rest of the day. I need a good empty feeling right now. I'm also thinking I need to be 105-- i havent made it official yet, but its lurking in the back of my mind. it will surface soon enough and I will make it my official new GW... in time

i rele need to study. after wednesday, its you girls, me and a scale .. my only concerns. <3 <3 <3 u girls. Stay strong, for me! You can do it.

Mothers day from Hell!

omg... ill be happy when the fucking day is over. My mom is soooo damn annoying. I can't stand being around her for more than 2 minutes. She says I'm rude and disrespectful blah blah blah... thats not it at all. I barely say anything and actually a perfect day is if I get away with not saying anything. If engaging in conversation pisses me off, (and it can be really simple questions usually questions shes asked like BILLION times ) then Id rather do us both a favor and just go about my business avoiding her.

And sometimes i'll force myself (like today) to be "pleasant" and it usually makes me feel like I need to break everything in the house. I donno why everything just disgust me about her....like I just want to be like UGH!!! STOP TALKING TO ME!!

things which i can figure caused this:
1. i think shes a whore
2. she just sleeps around with different ppl im sure like ur almost 50 chill out that shits nasty!!
3. she bought sex toys
4. she dresses like a whore when her friends come over
5. shes a home wrecker
6. she eats ... too much then talks about needing to lose weight
7. she cant do shit on her own, she always needs help or something. she asks helpless.
8. i hate how she always asking me question about future things. Like I dont wanna think about anything pass today!! stop asking me questions about thinks i dont wanna think about!! AHHHH!! so annoying.
9. no i dont wanna have a graduation party. i dont wanna hang out with you. and pretend like I am having such a great time with who ever...
10. stop talking about graduation!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont wanna think about it until I am there. yea ill be happy to be graduating unless u keep asking me am i happy. NO i dont wanna invite any friends over !!!!!
11. I dont wanna hang out with you and your fucking boyfriend. LIKE WTF why would i want to do that.
12. I dont wanna fucking hear you kissing or whatever else...
13. dont tell me how to drive or what lane i should be in.
14. dont ask me about my weight, if i ate today.
15. I wish you didnt drink all the time.
16. I wish u werent a sloppy annoying drunk
17. I wish you had a life outside your boyfriends. like get a hobby.

I just wanna be left alone. I am happy when Im alone.

Like dont fucking judge me or give me advice about my life when you suck at life yourself. Dont try and tell me why I am the way I am. Look at yourself.

Feeling a bit slutty.

My camera is malfunctioning... actually for some reason I cant figure out technology right now. I dont understand when updates happen everything is so confusing I dont like change.

So now I dont know how to upload facebook pics or pics on here in general. I took a pic of me standing on the scale it said 109. that was maybe 2 days ago, I'm sure I have gained. The stresses of school have been making me eat somewhat. But just mostly salad and granola. OH and alot of bread. You would think I am prego as much bread I have been craving.

Bread with honey, plain bread, rolling the bread into balls, crumpling bread into my salad, and veggie sandwiches with toasted bread. Like WTF body. My mom even went out and brought 2 loafs of bread because she saw how much I was eating it. AHHH WTF!

The upside is each slice is only 70 cals. still alot. today I already at 5 slices. breakfast: 2 slices with honey and 3 slices with my salad. ughhh I should throw the rest away. Its funny because I havent been so crazy about bread since I was younger-- bread use to be my snacks. (i was a weird kid i guess)

Hmmm.... the rest of my life is Who know's... I can't wait for wednesday I get to see K. I kinda told her last nite when I was drunk that I want her body... in not so many words. Probably just "i want you". Totally forgot until a couple hours ago when a slew of ppl call/ text me about all the funny voicemails I left. UGH u gotta love drunk dialing right. Well K liked what I told her and so Wed should be interesting. :) I need sex so I'm down for absolutely everything. tehehehe sorry I'm being a little slut whore lol.

Tomorrow I am gonna be back on track, and make sure I am still at or below my gw. Thursday starts working out.

I hope you girls are doing ok. Sorry I've been gone for so long. Wed is the only day I have finals exams, so I gotta "study" up until then. And Then 100% dedication. I really need to fix my blog. Anyone know how to make my pic bigger??? I want it to cover the whole top of my page. Stay strong skinnies!

plz someone shoot me!!!!!!!

omg this is gonna be absolutely horrible!! they moved the tables into a big fucking circle!! this every one can see everyone eat. this is horrible. so the entire class will see me not eat I'm gonna b the only one!!! I'm having the worst panic attack right now I can't breathe. yea and she is soooooo able to see me. um and even that asshole of a teacher is here!! I'm ready to slit my wrist!! oh n she brought him. kill me

2 more days. 2 more days. 2 more days

Hey gurlee's

It's Wednesday! Thank GOD almighty! Everything as been going fairly well. Took one my exam today, only a small minor panic attack. The teacher for this class tho is a complete ASS-- he's been trying to sabatoge me all year. He actually made me cry yesterday. He doesn't know that because I did it after I cussed him out and walked out of his office. He's sucha dick. So anyway today he scheducled me in for another one of our bitch-fest, i think he gets on these power trips or something. I just don't care anymore-- but he got a little scared when he saw me walking about of the Department Chair office obviously discussing him so he let me go-- after blatantly threatening me. I hope one day he falls off a cliff.

I'm really bored now. I have to wait around for this Senior Celebration, everybody stuff their faces with pizza and ice cream party in 4 hours. I really dont even see food when I see that I just see globs of fat being shoved into ppls mouths i imagined how it would be. I'm kinda on this improve my skin kick right now since my organic facewash has been miraculous! And all those oils in the food would just break me out too. So I have more then enough reasons to avoid greasy fat foods. Today I am totally gonna go with the "I'm leaving from here going out to eat somewhere nice downtown" excuse. It's brilliant on so many levels. One of them being that she is in this class (as you know, maybe, well she is) and she will probably over hear that and assume I am going out with K we have been displaying very publically on fb how we really need to hang out... all thats not really important I suppose I am not so interest in scheming ideas for her to notice me i am 400% over it -- but its a slight upside. Anywho...

Everyone has been OMG Tara your so skinny. lol I'm sucha idiot tho i never know what to say after that. I'm always like no I'm not shutup! or I wish! But I so obviously kno am, its all i think about ALL day long . Um... I either need to play more suprised or digusted because how I say it is not coming out right. u kno. Its coming off like i am someone trying to purposely become super skinny by starving myself... which i need to conceal a little better. Oh and let me tell u, most of these girls will be in the party later and will forsure notice I am not eating and maybe put two and two together. FML! I don't care tho, I will never see any of these people again. They can assume what they want. I'm just ready to be done with it all.

I got on the scale today, no change. still at my goal weight (clothed) Made me happy. I can't wait till schools over so I can start working out again. Today I had oatmeal for breakfast which was 4am i had to wake up early to "study" or finally get dressed in the outfit I've been planning to wear this day for weeks now, it really illuminates my skinnist. Its one of those jumper-shorts outfits. That is really loose fitting so everything looks really small. And I have my beloved SobeLife 0 cal drink. pure bliss! try it u'll love it. Okay I'm sorry i'm just going on and on-- i wont bore u any longer.

--I'm gonna catch up on blogs for the next 4hrs. I really need sex. Like I am so ready to just dry hump anything that walks. ugh! tmi sorry

Jamacian me happy.

HEYYYYY Girls!! I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

This week is going well- academic wise. I have followed my list to the Tee and so I am right on schedule. I have finished my last last LAST undergraduate paper! It was my senior thesis basically the only thing I was completely scared of not finishing - thus not graduating. But I did finish.

This Monday is the LAST MONDAY EVER!! GUYS!! I MADE IT! You girls that have been with me through all my insanity- know how much I struggled through mondays and now they are NO MORE!! Thank you Jesus! And then Wednesday I turn in the paper ( for the monday class) but we are having a little senior party. Which I don't really care for going to because its all about eating pizza and icecream. Thus, I dont want to be the only one not eating (because I WILL BE!) and then that draw all this stupid unnecessary attention to myself. I've been thinking about lies for 2 weeks now to get me out of A.) going to the stupid party at all and B.) eating. So far I thought of: I am leaving here and going out to eat, I already ate not hungry, My stomach is upset, or I could always go through the I'm lactose-intolerant (which I am) but that is not gonna fly to well because several of the ppl have seen me eat pizza before when I was fat.
If any of you have really good lies to get out of eating please help me out.


At the same time I do want to go just so I can dress up in something cute to show off my fabulous legs! WOW I have never thought of my legs as fabulous. But lately, they have even surprised me its like finally the number on the scale actually matches how I look and feel. Ill need to upload pics soon. I wore my size 2 shorts that are now to big for me and got a few comments about how small I've gotten. That made me happy. I am not intentionally fasting, but I am still not eating. I am scared to actually. Like petrified now. I am so happy with everything right now I don't want anything to ruin it!I gave in to weigh myself , 110 with my clothes on... so I am probably a little less then that. I am happy with that, because technically I am still at my goal weight. Granted if I lose more, that will be nice but I'm not so so so concerned with it. Now all I need to make sure is to never go up.

Today I just at this fruit smoothie that was 110 cals. popcorn when I thought I was gonna absolutely die. And now finallllyyy something with alcohol in it (mini celebration for finishing my paper) wine cooler "Jamaican Me Happy"

I hope all you girls are doing good. Here's some thinspo for you. I hope I didnt use these already.







sadly, tomorrow I must get back on schedule but by saturday I should be done everything!! and only graduation left to do. I'll probably end up being drunk as shit graduation day lol cant wait! Oh and hello there new followers! It made me happy to come back and have 17 followers! I love all the love <3 xoxoxo Girls stay strong, It's basically summertime, time for the beach make sure you are ready! I know you are.