Mondays will always and forever SUCK!Please help me …

I was having a great Monday, until I wasnt. I even rehearsed how I would be before class, not touchable, happy, carefree better then her. literally i rehearsed it .....

I feel like they are taunting me. No, I'm not paranoid, I'm not crazy, they, SHE is taunting me. She is trying to get under my skin. Well mission accomplished! But its not enough for you that you cant visibly see the fucking pain u cause me. I will never show it to you. I will smile, and laugh, and ignore u and ur sidekick.

While people are presenting me n my friend A, we always write notes back n forth from boredom, mostly about weight. Anywho, she says she is really hungry, shes not like us per-say I dont think she goes without eating to lose weight, she literally just forgets to eat and so shes like 105 lbs ( i wish I could do that). But she doesnt have any money so I tell her I can swipe my card for her no problem to get her food. Me and A walk out of the class room and literally THEY are right on our heals. No joke. Like if for a second we stopped walking they would run right into us. So we get to the doors to exit the building and of course I dont hold the door. But A does, shes so goddamn nice. And they are all, well thank you A, ur so kind blah blah blah. We get to the dinning hall area, and I swear they wait by the door for us to leave just to follow us again. She knows I hate her dumb sidekick, she did too. Shes friends with her again to piss me off. shes tauting me. AHHHHh!!!! The whole time I could hear them talking about ME, all the while i'm laughing smiling conversing with A, she was so damn oblivious, but inside i'm boiling. I just want to take a knife from the kitchen and stab them both. They follow, us, ME back in the class room laughing. they might as well hold hands skipping !

I get it, i say the most awful things to her, i would do the most backstabbing things to her. i really do want to hurt her sooooo bad she would want to die. i want her to feel like shit. so i can feel better. ... so i can feel better. and I would-- until she does the same things back to me. like taunt me. start dating my ex! befriend that piece of shit of a person. Now I feel like shit, now I want to crawl into the fucking ground and lie there. I don't want to cry anymore, although i am on the verge. I wish I could rid myself of all of this. I wish I could cut, but im a coward. I wish I could purge everything, i wish I could do something other then cry.

When I was driving I thought about dying. and I remembered i use to do that when I was younger. If anyone made me sooo mad, even my mom i would hold my breathe imagine i was at my funeral and everyone would be sad. that made me happy. weird thing for a 7 yr old to do. I still do. I do it every Monday. I plan my death and my funeral and shes there sad, angry at herself for letting all of this get so out of hand. (earlier in the semester she apologized for that but I didnt accept it. I still hated her. shes reached out to me twice but I always turn her down n make her feel like shit. i wonder if thats why we are the way we are now. what if all of that would of been different, maybe we would be descent, or maybe we would.... oh well. I'm in too deep now. she cant win. my hate for her is to strong. plus that is all wishful thinking, she is an evil bitch, i never really knew her.)

I want to fall off the edge of the world. I really do. I can imagine it now. It makes me feel really happy and really sad at the same time. I want to walk to the edge and sit there. It's a cool breeze tossing my hair all over. I'm in a white flowing dress that is swaying with the wind. the peaceful waves crash against the rocks below, sometimes i even feel little droplets, and can smell the salty water. I'm alone starring off into the sea and the sky, they arent distinguishable. Would I jump? no probably not, I'd probably just fall maybe on accident and just keep falling. No one there to catch me.... no one there ... [ im crying now, because its real. thats really how i feel. thats what i am thinking. and no one else knows that except u girls. no one else knows what i am really thinking. ]

So now since I'm sucha failure at purging myself of all this stupid FUCKING EMOTIONS THAT WONT DIE, BUT WILL INSTEAD CAUSE THE DEATH OF ME, i need to do something. I'm gonna go for another one of my walks. The one that takes hours. Only I dont wanna walk around the neighborhood, or in circles around the park. I wanna go somewhere far away. I'm just gonna keep walking and see were i end up. ALAS! and I will burn calories. yes I will have thinner thighs by the time I get back, shower and have something with alcohol in it. Or maybe, during my walk, I will pass out and wake up in the hospital, or at my funeral and everyone is crying... like i have thought so many times before.

i dont blame you if you didnt read this. i probably wouldn't of, id feel like i'm invading someones personal thoughts. i'm just some dumb girl rambling about her dumb life. i know. but if u did read this. what should I do? What should I do? There are only a couple more mondays left, like 3 or 4 ish. Should I just slug thru it, wake up every monday dreading the day. feeling like shit. Or should I be the one to talk to her (not anytime soon but eventually) and get on better terms, is it even worth it? I'll never see her again. I'm just angry everything is still affecting me like this, when I am with her I am sooo unhappy, in an abusive, controlling, unfaithful, untrustworthy, loving? relationship but when I am not with her ..... im hollow. please help me?