In an instance my whole life spirals out of control making it so hard to breathe.

DAMNIT!! Today was such a good day, turned horrible in one second.

So she and T were at my school today. Ran right into them. like WTF! so whatever i said hi to T, we went to highschool together, im allowed that. We chatted a little, and I went on my way, all without seeing her (technically) So what happens next, fucks up my whole day. She text me, on some bullshit. About how I shouldnt talk to him, dumb shit. Other really dumb shit, of course I had the last word, I won that battle. But it upset me that it even happened. It was really unneccesary for her to attack me just because i said hi to my old friend, her new boo. I was driving. Everything in me told me to just crash my car. that sounds horrible i would never do it. i am in no way suicidal, but i thought it, i knew she would feel sooo bad about everything she said if i got hurt. But then I would be the only one to suffer, why ruin my life. at the end of the day its not worth it.

my bffs says all the things you would expect bffs to say to make you feel better. i did. it wasnt enough I needed a different type of attention. i called C. i was feeling better talkin to her for a bit but the whole time i was there talking about her ex! which doesnt bother me but i really didnt want to hear about lovey-dovey bullshit. Nothing last! Happy endings are only real in fairy tales. So I guess I kinda expressed this to her, and she says I'm just bitter because of everything that has happened to me. And down I go... How am I bitter just because I really want to focus on building friendships with no emotional attachment. Guys do that all the time, whats so bad about just having friends. if falling in love makes you crazy then I am normal to avoid the madness. never again. Honestly I think C is just mad that I wouldnt hook up with her. I got that vibe when I first met up with her today. Anyway, I left angry. She was annoying me.

Now all I can think about is CARBS!! but I forced myself to get on and blog, look at some thinspiriation and turn to you guys for my strength. its interesting all of you, who Ive never met, know me more then friends Ive had my whole life. However I think everyone is in a different time zone then me so I am not really sure how a texting buddy would work, but I definitely realized how worth it would be to have one today.

I'm just feeling very despressed today,
because of what happened with her, not bc she was with T which I just think is hilarious, but because she felt the need to text me about bs.

then what c said. I really dont want to be interpreted as the girl with relationship issues just because i had a bad one. that just made me realize, that relationships ruin friendships so why jeopardize that. Its not like anyone we are in a relationship with at this age we are actually going to marry, so whats the point. Girls are too emotional. I like being non emotional, it keeps everything... clearer.

I just which I could escape. fall in a hole which would take me to another place. somewhere ... somewhere where I can forget everything. i just want to forget. (it looks like it might rain today, I am happy for that. I love thunderstorms.)

i feel better about food, now. and since i am in the house i cant go out and buy food, I am forced to have what is in the house. which is slim pickings. So I will stick to my rules. I need to be smaller. I need to be smaller. I need to be smaller.