Tears

I hate her.

I hate them both really. I hear them, or at least her loud ass. They are next door. I hope its for a meeting or something dumb and not just to torcher me, which I think it is. So annoying I was being fairly productive for awhile, then I decided to take a mini break to read some blogs, not in a stalker way but from time to time I need reassurance. I want to be, need to be thin sooo bad ( I can see myself at 115) but with stressing from school and all, I hate this environment it makes me just wanna drink, eat and sleep my life away. Not to mention I'm forced to live 2 doors down from them. I see them in class. If I was a cutter or something I would have reason to cut. I could never do it, but I understand how they feel, i really do, im too much of a pussy tho i guess.

Sometimes I get so angry . I go to the gym and I never want to stop running, I like to watch the calories I am burning keep inclining. I know when I am skinny she will be even more jealous, and the other will hurt. I want her to hurt so bad. I want her to hurt how I am hurting. I want her to feel bad like its her fault I'm not eating. I know that will hurt her. Good.

Ugh! I feel like I'm going insane, they keep laughing, with their fake laughs, smiling as if they don't talk so much shit about each other. Its so sicking. There is nothing more annoying then fake people, I swear they should all go to hell.

I wish I could numb the pain, and the hurt, I dont want to feel it anymore, none of it not even hunger, i know its a good feeling because it means I am getting skinny but its a bitch too. Like I wish i could not be bothered by them, and just when I think I am past it, they come next door being obnoxiously loud. And it begins again.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a mean person at all, Im really nice. Im just not in a good place. All my friends were smart they transferred out of this hell hole. So I'm alone here. I miss my girls. schools been consuming my weekends so I havent been able to drive out and see them but I will Thursday I think, I will make myself, I need it.

I just need Monday to be over with already... [its only Saturday] I just need to be strong.